By: Mark Harriman, Senior Editor
PALOOKAVILLE -Admittedly Bob Kraft is in uncharted waters since Myra, his wife of 48 years, passed away in July 2011. But as a new bachelor, somebody needs to take him aside and set him straight. This is definitely an intervention that needs to happen quickly.
It’s not the fact that the Patriots’ owner recently took part in a really creepy screen test in an effort to help out his “friend” and actress-in-waiting, Ricki Noel Lander (See the Deadspin link below for excerpts of the video).
It’s not the fact that he dropped an ‘F Bomb’ on camera and really dented the suit of armor he has assiduously built and polished in his 18 years as an NFL owner. Hey, that vid wasn’t supposed to become public, right?
It’s not even the fact that Kraft appears to be in a serious relationship with a younger woman.
The problem lies in the fact that he’s breaking the Number 1 Rule of Dating, whether he’s doing it intentionally or not. Someone needs to grab him by the lapels of his ubiquitous blue suit and advise him of this egregious infraction before he further ruins it for everyone else in the dating pool.
Because when you have a net worth the size of some medium sized countries poaching is just not fair to the rest of group. And he needs to know it now.
It’s called ‘The Formula’ and every older guy looking to date a younger woman needs to live it, breath it, embrace it. All for the common good, of course.
(In fairness to all cougars and panthers out there, ‘The Formula’ works for women, too.)
C’mon. You know you know it. Memorize it. Let it sink in and all will be right with your world.
Half your age plus seven.
It’s better than E=MC2. It’s more constant than Pi. And definitely more of a life lesson than anything you learned in Mrs. Crabapple’s Trig class.
Let it roll on your tongue for a little bit. It’s. Sheer genius.
Half your age plus seven.
Don’t ask who came up with this brilliant device. Time has obliterated it‘s origins. Just know that it’s become a part of our DNA. Here to stay, innately passed down from generation to generation.
It may have taken Sir Isaac Newton to sit and ponder that apple landing on his noggin, but he didn’t invent gravity. It’s as old as the planet. He just happened to put pen to paper after a great deal of cogitation.
The Formula is clarity shrouded in mystery -the dating pageant’s version of Stonehenge. And it works.
But Bob Kraft is ruining it for everyone who has even unknowingly done the right thing and toed the line. If he doesn’t shape up in a New York minute all heck could break loose. To quote Bill Murray in Ghostbusters: “Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria!”
Let’s help Bob out here and do the math for him. After all, he is a successful businessman. Once he sees it on paper he’ll be mortified and immediately issue an apology to the dating world at large (in addition to the mea culpa he has already offered for his ill-advised appearance in that screen test).
Here goes: Bob is now 71 years old, call it 72 for those who flunked fractions. Half his age is 36. Plus 7 is 43. Simple. That’s all there is to it.
There are dozens of women born in 1969 who would be perfectly acceptable and look just as good on his arm as Ricki Lander. For illustrative purposes only and disregarding for a moment they might be married or otherwise engaged, the following names are offered as Bob’s potential 43 year old mate (in no particular order):
Jennifer Aniston, Cate Blanchett, Nancy Kerrigan, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Lopez, Renee Zellweger, Steffi Graf, Angie Everhart, Gwen Stefani. All 43 years old (or about to be). And all in compliance with ‘The Formula.’
That’s a pretty impressive list. And those are only the famous ones born back when Neil Armstrong and Company landed on the moon. The pool of potentials gets even wider when one considers those who aren’t famous but just as gifted or talented or attractive. You probably know several who would mathemetically fit Bob very nicely.
Think about the Bob and Ricki relationship for a moment, even if they aren’t an item. There isn’t much in common there. And this is what ‘The Formula’ was meant to correct.
When Bob was 31 years old (1972) he was probably watching Bridget Loves Bernie, Banacek , Emergency! (RIP Julie London) or M*A*S*H. Those shows don’t have much in common with Jersey Shore and Keeping Up With The Kardashians, now do they?
The 31 year olds need to be available in the pool for the 48 years olds (48/2=24+7=31), who when they were 31 were watching the likes of Star Trek: Voyager, Baywatch Nights and Xena: Warrior Princess. These are by far have much more commonality, don’t you think?
So next time you see Bob Kraft, take him aside and show him the error of his ways. Tell him how it should be, but break it to him gently, because he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. He’ll appreciate the insight.
References: Bio.com and IMBd.com